First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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