Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He told me they were just razor bumps!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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