Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
