I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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