Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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