There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
being pregnant is like rehab
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
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