Your mouth is God's brothel.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
