How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
