yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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