so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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