I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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