So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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