I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I look excited, but its just a facade.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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