Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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