At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
