genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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