Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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