Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
