Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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