the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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