He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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