Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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