He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
