I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
