I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
