i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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