i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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