There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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