i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
