1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
