I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
