i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
