my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
