I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just pee around me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
