I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
