I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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