dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
