dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
