I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
