I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
