Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
