i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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