Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
