Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
