I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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