i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
