plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
