Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
