I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
