im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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