Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
