First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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